Reel Reviews: Machete Kills

When it comes to movies, you already know there isn't much room to debate with the "GTFOH" scale. Robert Rodriguez goes ahead and says fuck all that and reproduces the absurdity in Danny Trejo's reprisal as "Machete". From jump you know where things are going, starting from the second your hear that Grindhouse preview music and only ridiculousness ensues. How far fetched was the whole premise and continuation of craziness in this sequel? Well...

So if you were looking for an Oscar winner, this is definitely the wrong movie selection for you. The term plot is used very loosely in this story of revenge and mystery. We start off in a regular setting for a lot of action films and then get catapulted into a nation in a Charlie Sheen presidency. That should tell you enough of how preposterous some of the later details fell into place.

Danny Trejo is looking older and less like a superhero during his return as the upgraded knife wielding assassin from Desperado. The "Machete Don't" campaign had come up with a whole bunch of different tag lines that were being promoted during the hype building of the film and was way over used during the actual feature. It was a face palm after another when it came to the cleverness of where to slip them in. The strangest thing was that I was still entertained by the corny jokes and blatant violence.

Blood spattering and machine gun funk coming out the speakers made all the other logic in the world irrelevant.  I personally think I'm a tough critic when it comes to movies, but I went in to this theater knowing I was ready for a terribly good movie. The expectations of great acting escaped me as soon as I grabbed my first fistful of popcorn. Wait, Leo DiCaprio might make it to the sequel, but the actor is subject to change?! Yeah, exactly.

The supporting roles were awesome, I mean none had brought anything new to the table yet for what they were worth were spectacularly cheesy. Michelle Rodriguez and Jessica Alba make their return from the last film and the new additions added an extra flare to the dialogue and scenery. The long time Troublemaker alumni Alexa Vega makes an appearance and is looking great while the mouth of the south, Sofia Vergara, has never been more annoying ever in history. Her boobs are awesome but her acting is like watching a wild boar drowning in its own vomit. (and oh yeah, Mel Gibson steals the show.)

All in all, the movie was an adventure to say the least, which is worth at least two blunts and a laugh. "We started over here, then we went over here, then all the way over here and ended up back here.", was the statement of one ninja live on the scene and I feel is the best description of actually went on for the duration of the flick. Star Wars fans need not be offended, but only hope that nobody gets sued. Do you want to see another one of these made? Absolutely, right after they legalize marijuana and allow smoking in certain movie theaters. My suggestion is get the bootleg and light up, have a couple brews and enjoy your one man's imagination run wild.

Rating: 3 out of 5 Ninja Stars