Retromatic Movie of the Week: Demolition Man

The 90's was an odd time to be a superstar. The future was grim, violence was escalating and the super hero count was dwindling.  Arnold was losing muscle mass and Chuck had been walking Texas style and the villains of cinema seemed to have an upper hand. So before Wesley got in trouble for his taxes for killing vampires, he was modern day bad ass with blonde hair to boot.

Retromatic Movie of the Week: Super Mario Bros.

Holy french fries, what can be said about this movie that hasn't been said about the first street fighter movie with raul julia. Yea, exactly. The over the top villainous behavior, the terrible acting and the "oh no they didn't" jokes. The difficultly level of turning a video game in to a successful live action film has risen this movie was release, but Dennis Hopper as King Koopa, holy shit... too funny. right before speed and all. anyways. If you haven't seen it, do it to yourself and make sure its after you have a bowl of apple jacks. Smokin' Green apples.

Rating: 3/5 Ninja Stars

Retromatic Movie of The Week: Darkman

In 1990 filmmaker Sam Raimi wrote and directed a dark, semi-humorous, cynical, satirical piece of cinema called DARKMAN. In the film unassuming badass Liam Neeson plays scientist Peyton Westlake. A man left for dead after a brutal attack by a vicious mobster named Durrant and his...well, mob for lack of a better term by order of a lawless, greedy land developer named Louis Strack Jr. In retrospect actually Durrant's "mob" were more like a gang of thugs so yeah, gang, whatever. Anyways after being beaten and blown up and his girlfriend, played by Frances McDormand believing him dead Westlake finds himself alive & recovering in a hospital, his mind, body & soul horribly disfigured. He also finds that as a result of his injuries his brain can no longer communicate sensations of pain to his body ultimately endowing with the ability to feel no pain. Oh yeah, he also gains the ability of incalculable blinding rage that makes him freakishly strong, durable and also fuels his unwavering lust for sweet, violent revenge. Check out the original trailer. The film was pretty well received by critics & audiences making $49 million at the box office from a $16 million budget and gaining cult film status from fanboys like me. Because of this success Darkman managed to spawn 2 direct to video sequels, DARKMAN II: THE RETURN OF DURRANT & DARKMAN III: DIE, DARKMAN DIE (to which he promptly replied, no). The Darkman craze didn't stop there, oh no Marvel comics published a 3 issue run of the Darkman title and then brought him back again for a 6 issue run. Dynamite comics even brought him back in 2006 to fight Sam Raimi's other cult favorite character, Ash Williams from the EVIL DEAD franchise.

So you've got violence, revenge, love, dark humor and redemption with Sam Raimi behind the lens capturing it all for your viewing pleasure and Danny Elfman providing a dope score. You can't do much better than that. This is one of my personal favorite picks and if you haven't seen it I strongly recommend you do. I find the film is best watched after a bad day at the office over a blunt & pepsi perferrably with Jack Daniels in it. Now go, go live your dreams of unmitigated violent revenge vicariously through this excellent film. Rating: 4.5/ 5 ninja stars.

Retromatic Movie of the Week: The Running Man

In times like these when The Hunger Games is on everybody's must watch list, Arnold is cold chillin' cause he already conquered the illest survival game known to man. Based off a book by Stephen King, this cult classic still gets better with age. If and when you get the chance to watch the fuck out of this flick,  make sure you bring an open mind and and two pre rolled fatties. That is all..

Ninja Rating: 3.9/5 Stars

Retromatic Movie Of The Week: Class Of 1999

The year was 1990 and sh!t was kinda rough out there. The crack era was in full swing. We had a Bush in office. Brothas were gettin' shot for Jordans & 8 ball jackets. And Vanilla Ice had the number one song in the country. Like i said sh!t was rough out there. The world was a crazy place to be so like any other self respecting generation we channeled our anxiety & angst into thought provoking art. Enter film maker Mark L. Lester who spoke to rampant & vastly declining urban education system with our Retromatic movie of the week: CLASS OF 1999. Check out the trailer.



Whoa, where's gentrification when you need it? (just kidding, f@ck gentrification) As you could see in 1999 our schools were basically comprised of kids who's parents made them watch Beyond Thunderdome one too many times and violence. We were on the brink of oblivion. Then came Stacy Keach, a white haired, crazy-eyed Stacy Keach. So the Keach plays Dr. Bob Forrest, basically a super villain who unleashes military kill bots on an unsuspecting "at risk" Seattle High School to teach & counsel the unruly students dressed like Mad Max extras. For awhile everybody is cool until the kill borgs start to malfunction and this happens...



It's at this time the students start to suspect something is really f@cking wrong with these teachers and start to uncover the sinister plot that has befallen their school and fight back against the scourge of education that are these government issue murder bots. But not before the teachers wig out and kill a few of the students. Did i mention that Pam Grier was in this too? I don't wanna give away too much more but its B movie excellence that should not be missed.

rating: 3.5/5 ninja stars.

Retromatic Movie of the Week: Commando

Before getting the chance to run California with Terminator fist covered in flesh gelatin, he conquered the biggest challenge ever. Fatherhood. This is in the days when it was still OK to fuck around with the Latin lady that is cleaning your house. The good ol' 80's. Action packed with more cheesy lines than Chester the Cheetah can sniff, this instant classic show Arnold take down everybody, everywhere all the time. Way before Dwayne Johnson decided raise an eyebrow, this is how shit went down. Hollywood style!

Rating: 4.6/5 Ninja Stars

Retromatic Movie of the Week: Man's Best Friend

Shout out to Boog on this joint, because I almost forgot. So Cujo gets an upgrade and has a degree. The same scene that you saw in the background in Friday is what happens all over this joint. This dog knows way too much and he got unleashed 28 weeks later style. He tries getting in good with the fam. He tries to find his true purpose. He breaks through doors because he fuckin' feels like it! People have gone so far to say they've heard him say "fuck yo' brakes!" Caution: It may not be as entertaining if in your right mind.

Rating: 3.3/5

Retromatic Movie Of The Week: White Men Can't Jump

Despite what Larry Bird would have you believe in 1992 white men couldn't jump. This fact was perpetuated by the declining PC rhetoric & rising black pride and awareness of the 90's (what happened to that shit). The last remaining cliches of these misinformed stereotypes involved the racial male genitalia & female hind parts. But i digress this post isn't about black power & the white man's leaping ability, well maybe the latter.

On March 27th 1992 Twentieth Century Fox released a basketball movie about race relations and other comedic, hued hijinks in Southern California. Starring a pre-Blade Wesley Snipes, a pre-Zombieland Woody Harrelson, ex-Fly Girl Rosie Perez and a charming supporting turn by a post-A Different World Kadeem Hardison. Oh yeah, and Alex Trebek, bitches. How's that for an emsemble cast?? Uhh, Suck it Soderbergh! Check out the original trailer...



Written & directed by Ron Shelton, the creator of BULL DURHAM (google it), WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP tells the harrowing tale of two pretty ok, morally moderate guys Billy Hoyle (Harrelson) & Sydney Deane (Snipes) who happen to be the best street ballers on the black tops of Southern California.

Sydney is a working class ball hustler with a family to feed and Billy, a pretty classy ball hustler with a girlfriend (Perez) to feed. Through a series of racially hilarious, athletic events they join forces to get this money conning their way from town to town from basketball court to basketball court where much "hued hijinks" ensues. Sydney's trying to keep his & his family's head above water. Billy's trying to keep himself alive & his girlfriend happy. The main conflict comes from the two butting heads in agenda, morality & ethnicity. Oh and did I forget to mention mawf@$#in' Alex Trebek makes a cameo in this bitch(oh i did? oh ok cool.)?!

It did pretty well at the box office and was moderately received by critics. I went to see it when i was like 9 years-old with my Aunt & cousin and my aunt would cover our eyes during the sex scene. Oh yeah there's a pretty decent sex scene featuring Rosie Perez in her prime. Unfortunately Harrelson is in there somewhere too.

Along with memorable characters a solid yet quirky plot & Alex Trebek. WHITE MEN CAN'T JUMP: The Movie also boasts a pretty dope soundtrack. Among those songs was this single...



Yup mawf@ckin' Main Source, hoe!

So in summary we got a buddy flick centered around hilarious race relations, basketball & getting over, a sex scene featuring Rosie Perez. Alex "motherf@ckin'" Trebek and a soundtrack that features a dope Main Source track. Personally i see no reason why you shouldn't dig this. Check it out yo!

Rating: 4 out of 5 ninja stars